Every so often I’ll turn on the national news and a reporter will shove a microphone in a neighbor’s face. Now, this neighbor has four teeth, a mullet and rose tattoo declaring his eternal love for Dawn. He is shocked, SHOCKED, to learn the guy next door is a serial killer who has been sawing up bodies out in the shed.
Or perhaps it’s a woman who comments on the meth dealer across street and the hole in the ground where his house used to be. The woman has never met a bra (and should have). She wears a dirty tank top. Her hair straggles. Her teeth snaggle. She smokes on camera.
When I see these people, I pray, “Please, don’t let them be from Kansas City.” I love my home and do not want the rest of the country to think the heartland is populated with meth-dealing serial killers and their clueless neighbors.
It was Pennsylvania’s turn yesterday.
If you’ve not heard, a local news station in Middleburg skewered a high school English teacher of 33+ years experience because she writes erotica in her spare time. She is published under a pen-name. Until this hard-hitting expose, no one knew the 10th grade teacher moonlighted.
The neighbors turned out - parents spewed vitriol, students climbed on soapboxes covered with “holier than thou” stickers, school administrators had no comment, and reporters wondered on-camera about what kind of people are teaching our children.
Thank God it wasn’t Kansas City. If I lived in Middleburg, I’d be red-faced with humiliation. This is worse than a toothless mullet. This is more embarrassing than a snaggle-toothed, saggy-boobed smoker.
I’m guessing the mullet and the snaggle-tooth are unaware of the impression they make on me. More likely, they don’t care. Do you think the good folks of Middleburg realize how ignorant they seem? Do they know the rest of the country now thinks they’re backward? Do they care?
I don’t read erotica. I’d never heard of Judy Mays until yesterday. I’m not going to buy her backlist. But, I am supporting her on Facebook. You should too.